Nobody sets out trying to be the worst professional they can possibly be (at least we hope nobody does!) but sometimes not knowing the best industry practices can make you one of the bad guys. If you want to be a horrible makeup artist, follow this list of foolproof tactics to rightly earn your title. (Hint: to be a good makeup artist, do the opposite of whatever is on this list!)
Don’t bother with any formal training
You’ve been putting makeup on yourself since you were six, so how hard can it be to apply makeup to another person? You’ve done your friends’ makeup before. There’s no need to undergo education learning about different skin types, how to properly blend, different makeup for different occasions, day-night look, or color theory. You probably already know everything there is to know about makeup, so why bother trying to formally educate yourself?
Don’t listen to what your client wants
You are the makeup artist and these people are coming to you for advice, so why bother getting their opinion? So what if it’s their face? Who cares what they’re allergic to? You have a look, no, “THE” look in mind for this client and they are going to get it! You’re sure they will love it even though they’ve given you a basic description of their preferences and it is nothing like the look you’ve envisioned. Instead of talking it over with your client, merely nod and start applying the makeup the way YOU want it.
Wear whatever you want when meeting clients
You’re meeting these people in-person. They’ve obviously already done their research about you and they know what you’re all about, which is why they are meeting with you. No need to impress them once you’ve already scored a meeting, right? What’s the harm in wearing your old, worn pyjamas? Or the baggy t-shirt with a slight rip? Bonus points for stains and holes in uncomfortable places.
Be unhygienic and unsanitary
The clients found you, and you’re sure that once they meet you, they’ll be even more excited to work with you. If they’re coming to your house, they have to respect that it is your domain. Those dirty dishes in the sink? That’s a part of life! Cat barf on the carpet? Everyone vomits sometimes. A stack of liquor bottles in the corner? They’ll respect you for knowing how to have a good time! Also, don’t bother cleaning your brushes between clients. Who gets the plague anymore, anyway? What’s the worst that could happen? Save yourself the time and skip that cumbersome step.
Charge double the industry standard in your area
Find out what other makeup artists are charging in your area and then charge double the price for the same services that they are offering. This will set you apart as the upscale and more prestigious makeup artist and people will flock to you in droves to receive your “luxury” treatments. Don’t worry about being competitive. The word will get out that you are, without question, the best at what you do, so naturally people will want to come to you for your services.
Don’t bother with a website
Not having a website makes you edgy and gives off a “hipster” vibe. In fact, do your best to be totally off the grid in terms of the digital world. Once people hear what you can do, you won’t even have to advertise. Don’t bother showcasing your portfolio or your business online; this is just a waste of time and money. If people want to talk to you, they can pick up the phone book like any other civilized individual circa 1999.
Plagiarize other people’s work
Lastly, feel free to steal images from other makeup artists and pass them of as your own “portfolio” images. Nobody is going to find out, especially if you’re not online. Nevermind that the fierce SFX lion you were trying to create looks more like a deformed wombat. It’s art, right? Other makeup artists haven’t worked as hard as you to get where they are, so it’s okay to steal their work and say it’s yours. It’ll really expand your portfolio!
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haha this is great!